kind of lame, it's all I could come up with without getting too sappy. It's short but sweet.
We laid in complete peace, our breathing the only audible sound. We gazed for miles into each other's eyes, each thinking our own thoughts, unbeknownst of the others. A gentle chill traveled down my spine as she strokes my arm with her fingernails. I reciprocated, only hoping she is feeling the same pleasure. I tried to speak but I couldn't find the words to say. I saw no need to anyways. So we laid there, completely content and grateful of one another's presence.
A moment passes by unknowingly. I awake from my hazy sleep to see that she is no longer there. I try to remember her ever being there. I faintly recall someone saying they were leaving but I can't put a face to the voice.
I fall back asleep, hoping to see her there next to me again.
You did a good job of keeping the same themes and the same storyline in your prose as you had in your sonnet. The language is obviously a lot more direct in prose than in sonnet, and I think you did a particularly good job of not letting that get in the way of the "feel" of the piece. The prose gave a more poignant sense of the story than your sonnet did, but I don't believe it was either better or worse - just different. A necessary consequence of the shift between sonnet and prose.
ReplyDeleteI felt like the plot of your sonnet and poem traveled on the same wavelength, yet the voice in each are different. I know you said that you felt it was sappy, but I thought it was kind of sappy in a good way -- you know? I like that it’s short, it kind of also connects with the fact that “she” also stays for only a short while. I think the voice in the sonnet was more centered about the feelings of the actions, while the prose version is more concentrated on your own thoughts towards her.
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